I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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