Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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