textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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