saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
