I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
