He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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