dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
