Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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