dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
