Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
