If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Boobs speak an international language.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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