I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize