Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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