I'm gonna have a badass scar
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
