hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
