I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
