i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
