P.S. I can't hear my feet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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