what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
