never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
