I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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