My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
