I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
