I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
