I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
