He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Welp...herpes.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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