If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
