At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
