I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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