weddingsv make me drug and hornr
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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