i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
