a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
