I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
