I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
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Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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