i may or may not be watching the land before time
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
