I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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