haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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