spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
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How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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