you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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