I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
