And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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