Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
