____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
