just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
