You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
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He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.