I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
FUCK WHALES
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
