I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
