If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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