The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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