got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
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Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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