my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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