I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
