Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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