I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
