The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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