does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
